By Dr. Laura Berman
When it comes to breaking up, hindsight is 20/20. But wouldn't it be nice if you could tell that you and your partner were headed for a falling out before it happened?
Fortunately, you can predict a break up. And with just a little bit of tweaking, you can get back on track and rescue your relationship before it hits the rocks.
Red Flag #1: Tuning OutOne of the most common reasons relationships fail is because one or both partners is tuning out. It might sound minor, but in actuality, few things are more hurtful than being ignored by your loved one, whether that is accompanied by emotional neglect or physical distance.
The Cure: Take Down the Wall Tuning back in is easy. All you have to do is agree to listen to your partner's feedback and dedicate time and emotion to the relationship again. Start taking down the emotional wall, brick by brick. Look at your partner in the eye when he or she speaks (even if it is not what you want to hear), make physical contact daily (even if it is just holding hands), and re-commit to the relationship.
Red Flag #2: Fighting Fire with FireCouples who fight fire with fire can expect a relationship that is constantly up in flames. Name-calling, sarcasm, criticism, and violence (from throwing things, slamming doors, to actual physical abuse) result in emotional wounds that are hard to heal and relationships that are hard to rescue.
The Cure: Pour Water on the FlamesThe next time you feel anger guiding you to say, or do, things you might regret, take time to cool off. If that's not possible, try framing your complaints as requests. For instance instead of, "Why did you forget our date?," you could say, "I feel sad that you forgot our date. How can we make sure this doesn't happen again?" If your partner is the one who is fanning the flames, don't engage in the vicious cycle of insults and tantrums. You can't fight fire with fire if the other person won't engage in the flame-throwing.
Red Flag #3: Refusing to Own UpNo one is perfect, so why is it that some of us refuse to take responsibility in our most important relationships? Passing the buck and playing the victim are surefire ways to put a relationship in jeopardy.
The Cure: Take Responsibility for Your ActionsThe next time you forget an anniversary, or say something hurtful to your spouse, don't try to pass the buck and refuse to take responsibility. Instead, admit where you went wrong and try harder next time. Sounds simple... but it can save your relationship.
By making simple changes to the way you and your partner communicate, you can keep your relationship intact. All couples fight and argue, but it is how you fight and argue that determines whether your love can weather the storm.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
After the Affair
By Dr. Laura Berman
Can you recover after cheating?
Cheating strikes at the very foundation of a relationship: trust, vulnerability, and attraction all hang in the balance after a partner has stepped outside the relationship.
However, infidelity doesn't necessarily spell the end of a relationship. It's not easy (in fact, it's grueling), but there is love to be found again after cheating. Couples who survive cheating tend to use the experience proactively, once they've gotten through the anger and deep emotions. Cheating is a breach of trust that should never happen, but some couples find a silver lining of renewed commitment and vitality in their relationship moving forward.
For couples who aren't ready to give up, both partners must rise to the challenge. The unfaithful partner must become 100% accountable, for past actions as well as moving forward. There should be a period of full disclosure. The rage and pain of the betrayed partner must be accepted. A new system of trust building means the unfaithful partner accounts for all of his or her time tangibly -- spending time with people the betrayed spouse considers safe and checking in frequently, with regular phone calls and the like.
For the betrayed, the challenge is to express the very natural feelings of anger, but eventually put a limit on it. Incessant anger and bitterness are not going to allow you to move forward. I suggest daily venting sessions of 10 minutes. Seeking the guidance of a therapist will help manage this process in way that's appropriate for each couple. Also, beware getting into the victim role. Though it's no one else's fault that a person cheated, there is a dynamic in the relationship that went wrong -- not just in the adulterer. Fundamental emotional needs were not being met.
Ultimately, there are plenty of examples of couples who don't make it past cheating. The relationship is simply too worn and tattered -- the trust and the love have run out. Or the person who committed adultery has a pattern of behavior that he or she is unwilling to change.
So can you repair after an affair? With forgiveness, accountability, and a lot of heart from both partners, you certainly can. However, I won't lie and say it's easy. Many couples simply don't move on from infidelity.
Can you recover after cheating?
Cheating strikes at the very foundation of a relationship: trust, vulnerability, and attraction all hang in the balance after a partner has stepped outside the relationship.
However, infidelity doesn't necessarily spell the end of a relationship. It's not easy (in fact, it's grueling), but there is love to be found again after cheating. Couples who survive cheating tend to use the experience proactively, once they've gotten through the anger and deep emotions. Cheating is a breach of trust that should never happen, but some couples find a silver lining of renewed commitment and vitality in their relationship moving forward.
For couples who aren't ready to give up, both partners must rise to the challenge. The unfaithful partner must become 100% accountable, for past actions as well as moving forward. There should be a period of full disclosure. The rage and pain of the betrayed partner must be accepted. A new system of trust building means the unfaithful partner accounts for all of his or her time tangibly -- spending time with people the betrayed spouse considers safe and checking in frequently, with regular phone calls and the like.
For the betrayed, the challenge is to express the very natural feelings of anger, but eventually put a limit on it. Incessant anger and bitterness are not going to allow you to move forward. I suggest daily venting sessions of 10 minutes. Seeking the guidance of a therapist will help manage this process in way that's appropriate for each couple. Also, beware getting into the victim role. Though it's no one else's fault that a person cheated, there is a dynamic in the relationship that went wrong -- not just in the adulterer. Fundamental emotional needs were not being met.
Ultimately, there are plenty of examples of couples who don't make it past cheating. The relationship is simply too worn and tattered -- the trust and the love have run out. Or the person who committed adultery has a pattern of behavior that he or she is unwilling to change.
So can you repair after an affair? With forgiveness, accountability, and a lot of heart from both partners, you certainly can. However, I won't lie and say it's easy. Many couples simply don't move on from infidelity.
3 Signs That Your Man is Cheating
By Dr. Laura Berman
How do you know if you are dating a cheater? You don't need to be a private eye to suss out these warning signs:
Revived Interest in Appearance: If your partner suddenly undergoes a makeover of sorts, in which he spends much more time on his appearance, it could mean that he is trying to impress someone new. If he all of the sudden ditches his old khakis and sweats for something more stylish, it might be because he is trying to look his best for a new woman.
Missing in Action: If there are large periods in which your partner is absent and unaccounted for, it could be because there are mischievous motives behind his AWOL behavior. Whether it is a run to the corner store that takes over an hour, or whether he is constantly "working late," a missing husband could mean something sinister.
Mysterious Texts or Phone Calls: If you notice mysterious texts or phone calls on your phone bill, or if your husband tries to hide the phone bill or his cell phone from you, it might mean that there is a new love interest in the rafters. Additionally, if he spends more time on the computer, or tries to hide the screen he was looking at when you walk in the room, this is a good indicator that he might be philandering via the worldwide web.
Of course, the best way to discover what your partner is up to behind your back is to communicate openly and honestly with him. Share your fears regarding his fidelity and try to discuss the matter before you go crazy with worry. Remember, things are not always as they seem!
How do you know if you are dating a cheater? You don't need to be a private eye to suss out these warning signs:
Revived Interest in Appearance: If your partner suddenly undergoes a makeover of sorts, in which he spends much more time on his appearance, it could mean that he is trying to impress someone new. If he all of the sudden ditches his old khakis and sweats for something more stylish, it might be because he is trying to look his best for a new woman.
Missing in Action: If there are large periods in which your partner is absent and unaccounted for, it could be because there are mischievous motives behind his AWOL behavior. Whether it is a run to the corner store that takes over an hour, or whether he is constantly "working late," a missing husband could mean something sinister.
Mysterious Texts or Phone Calls: If you notice mysterious texts or phone calls on your phone bill, or if your husband tries to hide the phone bill or his cell phone from you, it might mean that there is a new love interest in the rafters. Additionally, if he spends more time on the computer, or tries to hide the screen he was looking at when you walk in the room, this is a good indicator that he might be philandering via the worldwide web.
Of course, the best way to discover what your partner is up to behind your back is to communicate openly and honestly with him. Share your fears regarding his fidelity and try to discuss the matter before you go crazy with worry. Remember, things are not always as they seem!
Saturday, November 17, 2007
Uncovering Your Shadow Beliefs
Oprah.com
A "Shadow Belief" is an unconscious belief that influences our entire lives, tells us what we can and can not do, and drives our behaviors. Life coaches Debbie Ford and Cheryl Richardson have helped thousands of people uncover their shadow beliefs...including Oprah!
Shadow beliefs are what hold you back in life—and you may not even have known they were doing it!
According to Cheryl Richardson, some of your shadow beliefs are preventing you from getting what you want in life. Most people know they have these beliefs, but are taught to hide them because we are ashamed and embarrassed. But you can overcome them and live your best life! There's nobody in the world smarter about you than you! Do you believe any of the following statements?
Three Steps to Uncover Your Shadow Beliefs
Life coach Debbie Ford says that we can all find what is holding us back in life. Start with these three steps and simple exercises. Debbie says, "To go deeper, you have to be radically honest with yourself. All of your emotions are there to guide you."
Step One: Get in touch with your pain and emotions. "You can't heal if you can't feel," says Debbie.
Step Two: Once you're feeling that pain or emotion, try and connect it to your past to uncover where that pattern of pain began.
Step Three: Embark on a healing ritual that will help you surrender that pain and anger once and for all.
Exercises to Uncover Your Shadow Beliefs
Shadow beliefs cause us to make the same mistakes over and over again. Try these simple exercises for uncovering these beliefs.
Exercise One
For one week, whenever you find yourself overreacting to another person's behavior, ask yourself: What traits in that person are you trying to disown in yourself?
Exercise Two
Also, make a list of the advice you give others and ask yourself if the advice is appropriate for your life. Cheryl Richardson often says, "We often teach what we need to learn."
A "Shadow Belief" is an unconscious belief that influences our entire lives, tells us what we can and can not do, and drives our behaviors. Life coaches Debbie Ford and Cheryl Richardson have helped thousands of people uncover their shadow beliefs...including Oprah!
Shadow beliefs are what hold you back in life—and you may not even have known they were doing it!
According to Cheryl Richardson, some of your shadow beliefs are preventing you from getting what you want in life. Most people know they have these beliefs, but are taught to hide them because we are ashamed and embarrassed. But you can overcome them and live your best life! There's nobody in the world smarter about you than you! Do you believe any of the following statements?
- There is something wrong with me.
- I cannot trust anyone.
- I'm not lovable.
- I don't deserve to have what I want.
- Love does not last.
- I am worthless.
- I am never going to be successful.
Three Steps to Uncover Your Shadow Beliefs
Life coach Debbie Ford says that we can all find what is holding us back in life. Start with these three steps and simple exercises. Debbie says, "To go deeper, you have to be radically honest with yourself. All of your emotions are there to guide you."
Step One: Get in touch with your pain and emotions. "You can't heal if you can't feel," says Debbie.
Step Two: Once you're feeling that pain or emotion, try and connect it to your past to uncover where that pattern of pain began.
Step Three: Embark on a healing ritual that will help you surrender that pain and anger once and for all.
Exercises to Uncover Your Shadow Beliefs
Shadow beliefs cause us to make the same mistakes over and over again. Try these simple exercises for uncovering these beliefs.
Exercise One
For one week, whenever you find yourself overreacting to another person's behavior, ask yourself: What traits in that person are you trying to disown in yourself?
Exercise Two
Also, make a list of the advice you give others and ask yourself if the advice is appropriate for your life. Cheryl Richardson often says, "We often teach what we need to learn."
Losing a Loved One
Dr. Robin Smith
Original Air Date: January 29, 2007
Losing someone you love is always difficult. Life can feel groundless, regardless of whether your relationship with that person was rich, warm and loving, or troubled, empty and vacant. "It still leaves such complexity to deal with the death," Dr. Robin says.
Dr. Robin says whether you've lost your father, your mother, your sibling or your child, it's important for you to acknowledge and accept that you're now a member of a club of people who are facing the same thing. Membership in the club offers you the beauty of never being alone in your anguish and the reality that there's no time like the present to embrace the ones you love, Dr. Robin says.
"Take that membership, be gentle with yourself, be gentle with the others who are in that club," Dr. Robin says. "Open your own heart in a new way, in a sensitive way, with a new awareness and a new gentleness about what it means to be thrown into membership you didn't ask for."
Dr. Robin says it's important to take a moment to talk to the people who are still alive today, before it's too late.
"Take advantage of today," she says. "Maybe pick up the phone and call your spouse, your parent, your grandparent or your child and say, 'You know what? Just wanted to tell you that I love you, or I appreciate you.' … Use today wisely."
Original Air Date: January 29, 2007
Losing someone you love is always difficult. Life can feel groundless, regardless of whether your relationship with that person was rich, warm and loving, or troubled, empty and vacant. "It still leaves such complexity to deal with the death," Dr. Robin says.
Dr. Robin says whether you've lost your father, your mother, your sibling or your child, it's important for you to acknowledge and accept that you're now a member of a club of people who are facing the same thing. Membership in the club offers you the beauty of never being alone in your anguish and the reality that there's no time like the present to embrace the ones you love, Dr. Robin says.
"Take that membership, be gentle with yourself, be gentle with the others who are in that club," Dr. Robin says. "Open your own heart in a new way, in a sensitive way, with a new awareness and a new gentleness about what it means to be thrown into membership you didn't ask for."
Dr. Robin says it's important to take a moment to talk to the people who are still alive today, before it's too late.
"Take advantage of today," she says. "Maybe pick up the phone and call your spouse, your parent, your grandparent or your child and say, 'You know what? Just wanted to tell you that I love you, or I appreciate you.' … Use today wisely."
Friday, November 16, 2007
How Not to Pack a Laptop
James A. Martin
My friend Mary has been known to do some crazy things. Last summer, she won a hat contest by affixing pieces of fried chicken to a straw bonnet and accessorizing it with biscuit earrings.
But before boarding a recent flight, Mary did something particularly crazy: She packed her laptop in her checked bag, a canvas duffel that also contained shoes, clothes, and toiletries.
"What's the big deal?" Mary asked me. Her notebook, an ultraportable Sony Vaio TX, was enclosed in a padded envelope. Wasn't that enough protection?
At this point, I hasten to add that Mary wasn't born yesterday. She's a savvy entrepreneur whose small business has been profiled in The Wall Street Journal. Still, her laptop packing strategy leaves much to be desired.
So why shouldn't you pack your notebook in a checked suitcase when you travel by plane? Here are three excellent reasons.
1. Your Notebook Could Be Damaged
You may have taken the utmost care in packing your notebook. However, what happens to your suitcase and its contents once you check it is out of your control.
"Airlines often load bags on top of one another in the cargo hold of your flight," warns the Transportation Security Administration on its Web site. "Your baggage may be loaded with hundreds of other bags, with possibly several on top of yours. Hundreds of pounds of pressure in conjunction with high altitude and the resulting low temperatures" while the plane is in flight "create an ideal environment for damaged laptops," according to the site. "These conditions crack cases and damage screens among other things. For these reasons, we recommend that you keep your laptop in your carry-on bag when traveling."
2. Your Notebook Could Be Stolen
While I'm sure the vast majority of baggage handlers and airport screeners are honest, all you need is one dishonest opportunist who spots your laptop in an X-ray screening.
For instance, on two different trips, I packed low-cost electronic items in my checked baggage--mainly iPod accessories--and found them missing when I unpacked. (Needless to say, I no longer pack any electronics in my checked suitcase.)
Also, keep in mind some thieves are more interested in a laptop's hard drive data than the computer itself. The drive may include information, such as social security numbers, that can be sold or exploited for identity theft. Do you really want to risk having data like that fall into the wrong hands?
3. Your Notebook Could Get Lost
If you've packed a notebook in your checked bag and the airline loses that bag, you're out of luck. Oh, and do you think the airlines will reimburse you for that laptop? They probably won't.
On U.S. domestic flights, there's a $2800 compensation limit per person total (not per bag) for lost or damaged baggage. And so, in theory, if you've packed a $3000 laptop in your checked bag and the bag goes missing in action, you're out at least $200. For international trips, airline liability is capped at $1500 per passenger.
However, many airlines specifically exclude computer equipment from their liability--meaning they don't have to pay you anything if your laptop is lost, stolen, or broken during a flight.
For example, go to Delta's Declaring Baggage Value page and you'll read this policy: "Delta is not responsible or liable for cash, camera equipment, commercial effects, computer software and equipment, electronic equipment, fragile articles, jewelry, lifesaving medication, negotiable papers, irreplaceable business documents, works of art or other similar valuable items contained in checked or unchecked baggage."
Other airlines have similar policies, including American Airlines, Continental Airlines, United, and US Airways.
What Are Your Options?
If you must pack your notebook in a checked suitcase--as some travelers were forced to do last summer, following an alleged terrorist threat--then you'll need to take precautions.
My friend Mary has been known to do some crazy things. Last summer, she won a hat contest by affixing pieces of fried chicken to a straw bonnet and accessorizing it with biscuit earrings.
But before boarding a recent flight, Mary did something particularly crazy: She packed her laptop in her checked bag, a canvas duffel that also contained shoes, clothes, and toiletries.
"What's the big deal?" Mary asked me. Her notebook, an ultraportable Sony Vaio TX, was enclosed in a padded envelope. Wasn't that enough protection?
At this point, I hasten to add that Mary wasn't born yesterday. She's a savvy entrepreneur whose small business has been profiled in The Wall Street Journal. Still, her laptop packing strategy leaves much to be desired.
So why shouldn't you pack your notebook in a checked suitcase when you travel by plane? Here are three excellent reasons.
1. Your Notebook Could Be Damaged
You may have taken the utmost care in packing your notebook. However, what happens to your suitcase and its contents once you check it is out of your control.
"Airlines often load bags on top of one another in the cargo hold of your flight," warns the Transportation Security Administration on its Web site. "Your baggage may be loaded with hundreds of other bags, with possibly several on top of yours. Hundreds of pounds of pressure in conjunction with high altitude and the resulting low temperatures" while the plane is in flight "create an ideal environment for damaged laptops," according to the site. "These conditions crack cases and damage screens among other things. For these reasons, we recommend that you keep your laptop in your carry-on bag when traveling."
2. Your Notebook Could Be Stolen
While I'm sure the vast majority of baggage handlers and airport screeners are honest, all you need is one dishonest opportunist who spots your laptop in an X-ray screening.
For instance, on two different trips, I packed low-cost electronic items in my checked baggage--mainly iPod accessories--and found them missing when I unpacked. (Needless to say, I no longer pack any electronics in my checked suitcase.)
Also, keep in mind some thieves are more interested in a laptop's hard drive data than the computer itself. The drive may include information, such as social security numbers, that can be sold or exploited for identity theft. Do you really want to risk having data like that fall into the wrong hands?
3. Your Notebook Could Get Lost
If you've packed a notebook in your checked bag and the airline loses that bag, you're out of luck. Oh, and do you think the airlines will reimburse you for that laptop? They probably won't.
On U.S. domestic flights, there's a $2800 compensation limit per person total (not per bag) for lost or damaged baggage. And so, in theory, if you've packed a $3000 laptop in your checked bag and the bag goes missing in action, you're out at least $200. For international trips, airline liability is capped at $1500 per passenger.
However, many airlines specifically exclude computer equipment from their liability--meaning they don't have to pay you anything if your laptop is lost, stolen, or broken during a flight.
For example, go to Delta's Declaring Baggage Value page and you'll read this policy: "Delta is not responsible or liable for cash, camera equipment, commercial effects, computer software and equipment, electronic equipment, fragile articles, jewelry, lifesaving medication, negotiable papers, irreplaceable business documents, works of art or other similar valuable items contained in checked or unchecked baggage."
Other airlines have similar policies, including American Airlines, Continental Airlines, United, and US Airways.
What Are Your Options?
If you must pack your notebook in a checked suitcase--as some travelers were forced to do last summer, following an alleged terrorist threat--then you'll need to take precautions.
- Back up your data before you begin your trip, and make sure it's password protected at a minimum. Consider removing your laptop's hard drive and packing it (carefully) in your carry-on bag.
- Pack the notebook in a shock-resistant case, such as an Otterbox, or buy a ruggedized notebook. Put a TSA-approved lock on your checked bag to reduce the chances that an unscrupulous baggage handler will steal your laptop.
- Look into buying insurance for your notebook from the likes of Safeware.
- Consider using a service that tracks, locates, and recovers stolen laptops, such as LoJack for Laptops ($50 a year).
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Actions Speak Louder Than Words
5 Sure-Fire Ways to Spark Her Interest
By David Wygant
Special to Yahoo! Personals
Most men think that they need a clever line to approach a woman. But through all my years of coaching men and women, I have found that it is not what you say that's important, but how you approach.
Most women put more importance on visual clues to assess a man's character. They don't care what you say, as long as you say it without hesitation and with authority. Unfortunately, most men don't know this, so they walk over to a woman like a wounded animal expecting to be rejected. When you approach like a wounded animal, you will be rejected every single time -- no matter how clever a remark you may have.
With 80 percent of human interaction based on nonverbal body language, what is a man to do? The key to impressing her right off the bat is to be different from all the other men who are approaching her that evening.
Here a few sure-fire ways to make your approach more powerful and convincing, even if you are not sure what you are going to say:
By David Wygant
Special to Yahoo! Personals
Most men think that they need a clever line to approach a woman. But through all my years of coaching men and women, I have found that it is not what you say that's important, but how you approach.
Most women put more importance on visual clues to assess a man's character. They don't care what you say, as long as you say it without hesitation and with authority. Unfortunately, most men don't know this, so they walk over to a woman like a wounded animal expecting to be rejected. When you approach like a wounded animal, you will be rejected every single time -- no matter how clever a remark you may have.
With 80 percent of human interaction based on nonverbal body language, what is a man to do? The key to impressing her right off the bat is to be different from all the other men who are approaching her that evening.
Here a few sure-fire ways to make your approach more powerful and convincing, even if you are not sure what you are going to say:
- Walk with confidence. When you see a woman that you are attracted to, walk right over. Stand up straight and walk over slowly but with confidence. Make sure your chest is puffed out and your posture is looking strong and not slumped over. Keep eye contact as you approach. Do not hesitate. Most men linger in the background before they approach, then, when you finally do approach, she is quick to turn her back on you. The reason is that you did not exude confidence. Most women notice who is observing them. When you do not approach within seconds of spotting her, you might as well go home.
- Lose the male pack. When out on the town, avoid being seen with the drunken testosterone pack of males. One of the biggest turn-offs for women is the "male pack" -- you with five of your buddies high-fiving each other, drinking and checking out other women. When you approach a woman with your buddies waiting on the sideline, she will impulsively reject you in front of the pack to avoid being scrutinized later. Break away from the male pack and find one other guy to go out on the town with. Save the male bonding for a sports bar.
- Dress for a strong appearance. Make sure you're not sabotaging your efforts with your attire. If you look like a slob, it will not matter what your body language says, because you will look like every other man who put no thought into what he was going to wear that night to attract women. Buy clothing that makes you stand out from the rest of the men. Find a cool pair of jeans and some great shirts that give you an edge, so when you walk in with the right body language, women will see you. Keep in mind that shoes are really important too, so find a few pairs that look great on you.
- Create a spark within her. Most men's conversation will center on being agreeable and non-confrontational in the hopes that she likes you. In the mind of a woman, playing it safe equals boring! You need to spark her interest by being a bit disagreeable. For example, you get into a conversation about summer movies and she says that "Spiderman III" was her favorite Spidey movie so far. Instead of being agreeable, look her right in the eye with confidence and tell her that she is so wrong -- the first Spiderman was superior. Then proceed to tell her why you think so. This will create a fun, friendly, flirtatious verbal sparring, which will create a spark in her brain. She will realize that you are not a pushover like most men and attraction will start to form in her head.
- Maintain some tension.Flirting with women is all about gathering information
Flirting with women is all about gathering informationFlirting with women is all about gathering information, so the better listener you are, the better your chances. When you call her, you will have more things to talk about. Before calling a woman, I think about everything she said and then I pick the most juicy topic or opinion and challenge her with it. For example, going back to the example of "Spiderman III," I would text her the next day: "I was thinking U & I need 2 re-watch Spiderman. U R so wrong. Name the time & place & I'll bring the DVD."
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