After the Affair

By Dr. Laura Berman

Can you recover after cheating?

Cheating strikes at the very foundation of a relationship: trust, vulnerability, and attraction all hang in the balance after a partner has stepped outside the relationship.

However, infidelity doesn't necessarily spell the end of a relationship. It's not easy (in fact, it's grueling), but there is love to be found again after cheating. Couples who survive cheating tend to use the experience proactively, once they've gotten through the anger and deep emotions. Cheating is a breach of trust that should never happen, but some couples find a silver lining of renewed commitment and vitality in their relationship moving forward.

For couples who aren't ready to give up, both partners must rise to the challenge. The unfaithful partner must become 100% accountable, for past actions as well as moving forward. There should be a period of full disclosure. The rage and pain of the betrayed partner must be accepted. A new system of trust building means the unfaithful partner accounts for all of his or her time tangibly -- spending time with people the betrayed spouse considers safe and checking in frequently, with regular phone calls and the like.

For the betrayed, the challenge is to express the very natural feelings of anger, but eventually put a limit on it. Incessant anger and bitterness are not going to allow you to move forward. I suggest daily venting sessions of 10 minutes. Seeking the guidance of a therapist will help manage this process in way that's appropriate for each couple. Also, beware getting into the victim role. Though it's no one else's fault that a person cheated, there is a dynamic in the relationship that went wrong -- not just in the adulterer. Fundamental emotional needs were not being met.

Ultimately, there are plenty of examples of couples who don't make it past cheating. The relationship is simply too worn and tattered -- the trust and the love have run out. Or the person who committed adultery has a pattern of behavior that he or she is unwilling to change.
So can you repair after an affair? With forgiveness, accountability, and a lot of heart from both partners, you certainly can. However, I won't lie and say it's easy. Many couples simply don't move on from infidelity.