By Dr. Laura Berman
When it comes to breaking up, hindsight is 20/20. But wouldn't it be nice if you could tell that you and your partner were headed for a falling out before it happened?
Fortunately, you can predict a break up. And with just a little bit of tweaking, you can get back on track and rescue your relationship before it hits the rocks.
Red Flag #1: Tuning OutOne of the most common reasons relationships fail is because one or both partners is tuning out. It might sound minor, but in actuality, few things are more hurtful than being ignored by your loved one, whether that is accompanied by emotional neglect or physical distance.
The Cure: Take Down the Wall Tuning back in is easy. All you have to do is agree to listen to your partner's feedback and dedicate time and emotion to the relationship again. Start taking down the emotional wall, brick by brick. Look at your partner in the eye when he or she speaks (even if it is not what you want to hear), make physical contact daily (even if it is just holding hands), and re-commit to the relationship.
Red Flag #2: Fighting Fire with FireCouples who fight fire with fire can expect a relationship that is constantly up in flames. Name-calling, sarcasm, criticism, and violence (from throwing things, slamming doors, to actual physical abuse) result in emotional wounds that are hard to heal and relationships that are hard to rescue.
The Cure: Pour Water on the FlamesThe next time you feel anger guiding you to say, or do, things you might regret, take time to cool off. If that's not possible, try framing your complaints as requests. For instance instead of, "Why did you forget our date?," you could say, "I feel sad that you forgot our date. How can we make sure this doesn't happen again?" If your partner is the one who is fanning the flames, don't engage in the vicious cycle of insults and tantrums. You can't fight fire with fire if the other person won't engage in the flame-throwing.
Red Flag #3: Refusing to Own UpNo one is perfect, so why is it that some of us refuse to take responsibility in our most important relationships? Passing the buck and playing the victim are surefire ways to put a relationship in jeopardy.
The Cure: Take Responsibility for Your ActionsThe next time you forget an anniversary, or say something hurtful to your spouse, don't try to pass the buck and refuse to take responsibility. Instead, admit where you went wrong and try harder next time. Sounds simple... but it can save your relationship.
By making simple changes to the way you and your partner communicate, you can keep your relationship intact. All couples fight and argue, but it is how you fight and argue that determines whether your love can weather the storm.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
After the Affair
By Dr. Laura Berman
Can you recover after cheating?
Cheating strikes at the very foundation of a relationship: trust, vulnerability, and attraction all hang in the balance after a partner has stepped outside the relationship.
However, infidelity doesn't necessarily spell the end of a relationship. It's not easy (in fact, it's grueling), but there is love to be found again after cheating. Couples who survive cheating tend to use the experience proactively, once they've gotten through the anger and deep emotions. Cheating is a breach of trust that should never happen, but some couples find a silver lining of renewed commitment and vitality in their relationship moving forward.
For couples who aren't ready to give up, both partners must rise to the challenge. The unfaithful partner must become 100% accountable, for past actions as well as moving forward. There should be a period of full disclosure. The rage and pain of the betrayed partner must be accepted. A new system of trust building means the unfaithful partner accounts for all of his or her time tangibly -- spending time with people the betrayed spouse considers safe and checking in frequently, with regular phone calls and the like.
For the betrayed, the challenge is to express the very natural feelings of anger, but eventually put a limit on it. Incessant anger and bitterness are not going to allow you to move forward. I suggest daily venting sessions of 10 minutes. Seeking the guidance of a therapist will help manage this process in way that's appropriate for each couple. Also, beware getting into the victim role. Though it's no one else's fault that a person cheated, there is a dynamic in the relationship that went wrong -- not just in the adulterer. Fundamental emotional needs were not being met.
Ultimately, there are plenty of examples of couples who don't make it past cheating. The relationship is simply too worn and tattered -- the trust and the love have run out. Or the person who committed adultery has a pattern of behavior that he or she is unwilling to change.
So can you repair after an affair? With forgiveness, accountability, and a lot of heart from both partners, you certainly can. However, I won't lie and say it's easy. Many couples simply don't move on from infidelity.
Can you recover after cheating?
Cheating strikes at the very foundation of a relationship: trust, vulnerability, and attraction all hang in the balance after a partner has stepped outside the relationship.
However, infidelity doesn't necessarily spell the end of a relationship. It's not easy (in fact, it's grueling), but there is love to be found again after cheating. Couples who survive cheating tend to use the experience proactively, once they've gotten through the anger and deep emotions. Cheating is a breach of trust that should never happen, but some couples find a silver lining of renewed commitment and vitality in their relationship moving forward.
For couples who aren't ready to give up, both partners must rise to the challenge. The unfaithful partner must become 100% accountable, for past actions as well as moving forward. There should be a period of full disclosure. The rage and pain of the betrayed partner must be accepted. A new system of trust building means the unfaithful partner accounts for all of his or her time tangibly -- spending time with people the betrayed spouse considers safe and checking in frequently, with regular phone calls and the like.
For the betrayed, the challenge is to express the very natural feelings of anger, but eventually put a limit on it. Incessant anger and bitterness are not going to allow you to move forward. I suggest daily venting sessions of 10 minutes. Seeking the guidance of a therapist will help manage this process in way that's appropriate for each couple. Also, beware getting into the victim role. Though it's no one else's fault that a person cheated, there is a dynamic in the relationship that went wrong -- not just in the adulterer. Fundamental emotional needs were not being met.
Ultimately, there are plenty of examples of couples who don't make it past cheating. The relationship is simply too worn and tattered -- the trust and the love have run out. Or the person who committed adultery has a pattern of behavior that he or she is unwilling to change.
So can you repair after an affair? With forgiveness, accountability, and a lot of heart from both partners, you certainly can. However, I won't lie and say it's easy. Many couples simply don't move on from infidelity.
3 Signs That Your Man is Cheating
By Dr. Laura Berman
How do you know if you are dating a cheater? You don't need to be a private eye to suss out these warning signs:
Revived Interest in Appearance: If your partner suddenly undergoes a makeover of sorts, in which he spends much more time on his appearance, it could mean that he is trying to impress someone new. If he all of the sudden ditches his old khakis and sweats for something more stylish, it might be because he is trying to look his best for a new woman.
Missing in Action: If there are large periods in which your partner is absent and unaccounted for, it could be because there are mischievous motives behind his AWOL behavior. Whether it is a run to the corner store that takes over an hour, or whether he is constantly "working late," a missing husband could mean something sinister.
Mysterious Texts or Phone Calls: If you notice mysterious texts or phone calls on your phone bill, or if your husband tries to hide the phone bill or his cell phone from you, it might mean that there is a new love interest in the rafters. Additionally, if he spends more time on the computer, or tries to hide the screen he was looking at when you walk in the room, this is a good indicator that he might be philandering via the worldwide web.
Of course, the best way to discover what your partner is up to behind your back is to communicate openly and honestly with him. Share your fears regarding his fidelity and try to discuss the matter before you go crazy with worry. Remember, things are not always as they seem!
How do you know if you are dating a cheater? You don't need to be a private eye to suss out these warning signs:
Revived Interest in Appearance: If your partner suddenly undergoes a makeover of sorts, in which he spends much more time on his appearance, it could mean that he is trying to impress someone new. If he all of the sudden ditches his old khakis and sweats for something more stylish, it might be because he is trying to look his best for a new woman.
Missing in Action: If there are large periods in which your partner is absent and unaccounted for, it could be because there are mischievous motives behind his AWOL behavior. Whether it is a run to the corner store that takes over an hour, or whether he is constantly "working late," a missing husband could mean something sinister.
Mysterious Texts or Phone Calls: If you notice mysterious texts or phone calls on your phone bill, or if your husband tries to hide the phone bill or his cell phone from you, it might mean that there is a new love interest in the rafters. Additionally, if he spends more time on the computer, or tries to hide the screen he was looking at when you walk in the room, this is a good indicator that he might be philandering via the worldwide web.
Of course, the best way to discover what your partner is up to behind your back is to communicate openly and honestly with him. Share your fears regarding his fidelity and try to discuss the matter before you go crazy with worry. Remember, things are not always as they seem!
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